Many years ago my daughter Dara was scheduled to go to a special camp. This camp gave her the freedom to be just like other kids as she hiked and swam and rode horses and even went to a dance. It was to be her 3rd year and her final year because of her age. I began to wonder why we did not get the information packet as we had in years past so I called the coordinator and found out that Dara's registration packet had not been received. Further research uncovered that the packet HAD been received because the registration check had been cashed, but Dara had not been added to the list.
For most camps no big deal, right? Well this camp was for kids in wheelchairs and braces and there had to be 1 professional for every 2 kids plus a helper. There was no way to just add Dara.
I cannot tell you the angst I experienced in the few hours I had between learning this information and seeing Dara again after school. Dara's sister was visiting us and we collaborated.
We'd break it to Dara after snack time. We'd tell her then give her space to be angry and upset possibly tears. But we needed something. So we came up with a plan.
Dara now had a week free. This camp was a few hours away from home that she looked forward to all year long for many reasons. What if we filled that blank space with other things that Dara loved? The trouble was cash flow. It was almost non existent. So we got creative. Dara was to be in summer school and had been concerned about missing that week. Now she could aspire toward the perfect attendance award. Summer school was in the mornings so we planned an activity every afternoon with the only cost being one afternoon at the $1 movie on Tuesday. The other after afternoons we found gift certificates we had been given over the last few months - one to the Disney store, one to ice creamery, one for shopping, and one for music. Plans were made with timing being critical.
Dara made it home had her snack but knew something was up and asked us what was going on. I told her about checking on the camp and finding out her place had not been saved. Dara did cry and began saying ugly things coming from disappointment and hurt. Instead of defending or correcting we implemented the boundary we had set in our home - when ugly words need to be said - either head to the bathroom or your own room because the living areas had become safe interaction zones not to be violated with intense emotions or ugly words as a safety and courtesy to all.
A heart moment occurred when Dara came out of her room and asked to go to my room because it was bigger and she needed more space to be angry and upset. Of course I allowed her that!
Even when her sister wanted to be with her it was to be not to be correcting or comforting but to just be with Dara in the expressing the hurt and disappointment. Before we broke the news to her we told Dara that we had some bad news and after hearing the bad news but only when she was ready to hear some good news we'd tell her our plan.
It took a good hour if not longer before Dara had exhausted her tears and hurt and was open to hearing about anything good that might be said. Even when she said the first time she was ready to hear the good news and I asked her if she was sure she began crying again saying how could anything be good right now? And it was still a little time after that before she was really open.
Finally. The plan was shared. Hugs were exchanged and supper plans were discussed.
What brought this story to mind this morning of Sunday May 29th?
At the beginning of sharing our plan for that free week, I shared with Dara and Terri a story I had read in Reader's Digest which I'd like to recap: A woman loved this tree that shaded her kitchen. She loved the shade from the tree, the life in the tree and even the sounds. She and this tree were old friends for many many years. One fall day she saw a tree cutting company viewing the tree and found out that the tree had some dead parts and had become a hazard and must be cut down. The tree was actually in the neighbors yard and the woman pleaded with the owner for an alternative but nothing could be done and this woman lost her old friend. All winter she was depressed and grieved the loss of this beautiful tree. The view seemed so empty and forlorn. One spring day the woman looked up and realized she heard children laughing and looked out her open kitchen window and noticed the elementary school up the road that she hadn't realized she could see. And began to realize she had not needed the light in the kitchen for a while because of all the sunshine coming in from the window. From the loss of a friend, only after a season of grieving could the space be filled with other good things.
About halfway through this story, told with a few more details, Dara asked me if there was a point to the story and Terri, her sister, said she was wondering the same thing.
Sometimes things have to go and we experience loss before we are open to receive good things in its stead.
This last month I have experienced loss and grief as I have said goodbye to a 21 year career.
Today I have mixed emotions because I am already experiencing good things in the place of what was.
For me today the fruit of joy is summed up in the ampersand sign - & - holding the good & the bad - knowing I have lost something really good and beautiful and yet it was completed in me while a new path is opening up beyond my wildest dreams.
This blog will be where I share the different parts of joy that I live because you see I enjoy living in joy! THANK YOU for sharing this part of my journey with me!
In Joy
Cherri
